There have been so many times that I have tried to write this post and haven't been able to get these thoughts and feelings out.
When I took Jackson to his 2 year check up (almost 2 months ago), the doctor took a look at his file and saw that he passed his hearing test. Wondering what else could be wrong (since he still isn't speaking, despite almost a year of twice a week speech therapy) she handed me a list of questions to answer.
Reading through the questions, I knew at once what it was for, because I have worried that Jackson might have autism for awhile now. He exhibits certain signs, but I was too scared to say anything, to scared to have them tell me that I was just overreacting and too scared that he would possibly be labeled something that he is not. My husband thought that I was just worrying over nothing.
It was an autism screening, and while he didn't completely "fail" it, there were enough worrisome answers that she decided to send him to a developmental pediatrician. However, this pediatrician had a 3 month waiting list and we won't be able to see her until the end of September.
In the meantime, I have been studying and worrying. I've read every book on autism and diagnosing autism and healing autism that I can get my hands on. And in the end, I am left with nothing but questions.
It is amazing, that in this world of autism, there are no answers. No certainties. There are those who think they can heal autism and that gave me hope. But other doctors think that these methods of healing are actually harmful to the kids and that those doctors are just preying on scared parents.
There is nothing that I can really do until he gets a diagnosis anyway. Part of me has accepted the fact that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum. There are just too many signs for him not to be (no speech, no pretend play, stemming, hard time socializing, etc). But there is also a part of me that hopes beyond hope that despite his issues, we will be told that he is normal. That maybe there is some other developmental issue but that it's not autism. That it will be something that can be easily overcome.
And then there are times that the fear and panic overtakes me and my body is racked with sobs as I worry that my son will never have a normal life, that nothing will be easy for him. That he might not be able to make friends, that every small transition will be a huge issue for him, that he will be in therapy for the rest of his life, that I won't be able to make this okay for him.
Every night, I pray for him. But most of all, I pray for wisdom. I am an inherently horrible decision maker. For every decision that I make, I doubt and worry and fear that I am doing the wrong thing. Decisions about Jackson are 100 times worse, because while I might screw my life up beyond repair, I am scared beyond belief of screwing his up.
So if you have a moment, please send good thoughts and wishes our way and if you pray, please pray for us, for healing and for wisdom. Thank you.