There have been so many times that I have tried to write this post and haven't been able to get these thoughts and feelings out.
I'm scared.
When I took Jackson to his 2 year check up (almost 2 months ago), the doctor took a look at his file and saw that he passed his hearing test. Wondering what else could be wrong (since he still isn't speaking, despite almost a year of twice a week speech therapy) she handed me a list of questions to answer.
Reading through the questions, I knew at once what it was for, because I have worried that Jackson might have autism for awhile now. He exhibits certain signs, but I was too scared to say anything, to scared to have them tell me that I was just overreacting and too scared that he would possibly be labeled something that he is not. My husband thought that I was just worrying over nothing.
It was an autism screening, and while he didn't completely "fail" it, there were enough worrisome answers that she decided to send him to a developmental pediatrician. However, this pediatrician had a 3 month waiting list and we won't be able to see her until the end of September.
In the meantime, I have been studying and worrying. I've read every book on autism and diagnosing autism and healing autism that I can get my hands on. And in the end, I am left with nothing but questions.
It is amazing, that in this world of autism, there are no answers. No certainties. There are those who think they can heal autism and that gave me hope. But other doctors think that these methods of healing are actually harmful to the kids and that those doctors are just preying on scared parents.
There is nothing that I can really do until he gets a diagnosis anyway. Part of me has accepted the fact that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum. There are just too many signs for him not to be (no speech, no pretend play, stemming, hard time socializing, etc). But there is also a part of me that hopes beyond hope that despite his issues, we will be told that he is normal. That maybe there is some other developmental issue but that it's not autism. That it will be something that can be easily overcome.
And then there are times that the fear and panic overtakes me and my body is racked with sobs as I worry that my son will never have a normal life, that nothing will be easy for him. That he might not be able to make friends, that every small transition will be a huge issue for him, that he will be in therapy for the rest of his life, that I won't be able to make this okay for him.
Every night, I pray for him. But most of all, I pray for wisdom. I am an inherently horrible decision maker. For every decision that I make, I doubt and worry and fear that I am doing the wrong thing. Decisions about Jackson are 100 times worse, because while I might screw my life up beyond repair, I am scared beyond belief of screwing his up.
So if you have a moment, please send good thoughts and wishes our way and if you pray, please pray for us, for healing and for wisdom. Thank you.
21 comments:
I'm so sorry you're going through all this, and I know the waiting must be horrible. Please know I am praying for and thinking of all of you. I know that autism is so much more treatable now. You are wise to pursue determining whether or not he is dealing with autism now. Of course, it may not be that,as you said. Try to put it in God's hands, though I know I always seem to try to take my worries back from Him. I have a child with pretty severe OCD and it impacts her and the rest of us many, many times every day. Despite it, she is a very functional, happy and intelligent little girl. You're obviously a great mom who cares so much for your little one. You're doing all you can. God bless you and keep us posted!! Love and hugs, Laurie from Scene of the Grime
You are in my thoughts...
I'm so sorry to hear of this, but at the same time....there's hope for you. Just because your son may be on the spectrum doesn't mean life is over. I've worked with many children on all levels of the spectrum and they are intelligent, fascinating, and special people. Their ways of communicating can be very different, but once you get some answers and Jackson gets a bit older, you and your family will figure out a system that works for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am so sorry. The worry must be driving you crazy. I know I would be doing the same thing researching, going over options, and watching his every move.
I know it is very difficult to diagnose autism in young children (my SIL worked with children with autism and their families for years) so keep in mind that nothing is definite. Still, it is always better to look into it so that you can begin to help him as soon as possible.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh, I'm so sorry you have to have this on your shoulders. Thinking good thoughts for you!!
(((hugs))) to you!!!
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine the emotions you must be feeling.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are doubting your self, but from the outside looking in, Jackson is a lucky little boy to have a mommy like you. The fact that you take the time to work with him with all of your Tot School lessons coupled with your desire to research ALL angles of this possible diagnosis shows the lengths you will go to be the best advocate for your son. Man, that was a long sentence, but you get what I mean. You are the best.mom.ever. Hang in there and again, I will be praying for you guys.
{{hugs}}
I am so sorry Cassie and were thinking about the 3 of you. I don't know what else to say as I don't know much about it.
I will pray for your family and for Jackson.
Lots of prayers headed to your family and especially to sweet, Jackson. I hope and pray that it all turns out for the best, but IF it doesn't - just remember that God only gives you what you can handle and He has a plan for you and Jackson. You're an awesome Mom and you have an awesome son!
I'm so sorry. I know as mothers we want our children to be perfect and have easy lives. You are a great mother and you will do whatever is best for Jackson. trust yourself.
I can only imagine that the wait is so hard for you and not having answers is so hard... My prayers are with you
I will say though that having worked with kids with Austin for a case study I find them amazing, they see things in a way we don't and the emotions they feel are so true and real. If he does have something than can be medically described I am sure he will still be amazing in his own way. It might be hard on you but you show your strength all the time on this blog.... You are an amazing momma!
I can only imagine what you must be going through, I'd be scared out my mind and endlessly searching for answers too. But I'm hoping that everything turns out ok for both you and him. Trust that you'll just know what's best for him.
Sending prayers your way, as it seems we all worry to much, so I pray that some of the worry leaves your shoulders and that you will find the answers and solutions. Your a great mother and I am positive you will make the best decision for Jackson.
I want you to know that we are thinking and praying for you and you husband and son. It is SO hard to think of anything being wrong with our children, and not knowing is even worse. I am so sorry you have to wait so long to get answers, waiting sucks, for lack of a better term. It really does, giving us time to think and worry is awful!
I worked with autistic twins for 5 years before I became a SAHM, and it is amazing how many different things there are to help if you need it. Just know that you are an amazing mother, and you do not need to worry about your decisions, God will help you through them. Your son is very lucky to have you for a mom. Praying for you!
When you mentioned in your last post that he still wasn't speaking, the spectrum is the first thing that came to my mind. Whatever the outcome you will have a long road ahead of you, but I know you have been chosen for a reason. The amount of research you have already done shows that you will be an advocate for him and will make sure he gets everything he needs. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this, but I know you will fight hard! Praying for you!
Thinking of you and your family! My mom is a teacher for autistic kids here in Atlanta at a traditional elementary school. The kids with great, supportive families like yours are always the most successful. You all will get through this!
Whatever the outcome, you 3 will get through this! Sending lots of love, and prayers your way!
Cassie, my heart aches with yours. I know what its like to worry and wait about life changing diagnosis' about your child.
You, as everyone before me has said, are an amazing woman and an even more amazing Mom. Jackson will be fine and flourish no matter the outcome because of YOU and YOUR strength.
I'll be sending healing vibes and prayers for strength and wisdom your way. xoxo
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